Mind Games
by hiddenmermaid
Summary: When every part of your body is so easily interchangeable with someone else's, Risa has learned to treasure and shield her mind. As it becomes harder and harder to trust, she realizes that she's even playing mind games with the people on her own side.


_I thought Risa didn't get nearly enough chapters in her point of view in _UnSouled_, so here's my take on what she was up to while all the boys in this series were glaring and destroying things. It ends kind of ambiguously because I didn't want to spoil anything of _UnDivided _for anyone who may not have read it. _

* * *

**Mind Games**

The pay phone on the street corner is ringing, and if that alone isn't meant to signify that there is something terribly off about this night, then Risa has to stop trusting her instincts. But they've kept her, a notorious runaway Unwind, alive on the streets for almost two years now, so she brushes her fake hair, courtesy of Audrey, out of her wrong-colored eyes and keeps to the shadows.

Eventually, she figures, she will meet up with Connor _somewhere_ – the feeling of knowing that he's alive is tainted by the fact that everyone knows, Juvey Cops and parts pirates and Proactive Citizenry – but a small part of her relishes being alone. Cam, though nowhere as monstrous and horrible as Risa originally found him, was exhausting to be around, if only for all the mind games. Always questioning things with a tone of superiority that he didn't seem to realize he had, and that declaration of love – Risa couldn't have picked a better time to bolt.

She walks faster now, as though Cam and Roberta are close enough to catch up, and tries not to think about her legs. They are a blessing and a curse, because Risa would have never been able to make it this far without them … but the spine in her body isn't hers. Using her own legs fills Risa with a sense of overwhelming guilt that she is constantly trying to push away and ignore. _Connor didn't have a choice, either_, she reminds herself, but when nobody else knows about the blackmail involved, it certainly seems like Risa did it of her own free will.

Connor, she knows, will jump to that conclusion. Their relationship – if they even still had one before Risa insisted on accompanying Dylan Ward to the hospital – rides on the slim hope that he has somehow seen her last video as Proactive Citizenry's traitorous little darling, hanging off Cam's arm and displaying her legs so everyone can see just how much of a Wholly she's become. The word leaves a bitter taste in her mouth, having been coined by Hayden as a more fitting name for themselves than AWOL Unwinds.

Everything is somehow more complicated now, and Risa isn't even sure of what's real and what isn't anymore. Her scathing interview about Proactive Citizenry has made her a clear target for whatever they're planning next, but Cam has surprisingly evaded their brainwashing enough to be touched by Risa's view of Unwinding. With the Graveyard no longer operational – she refuses to dwell on what that _means_ – the only place where she knows she will truly be safe is the basement of Sonia's little antique shop.

So that's where she aims to end up, hidden in plain sight as a girl with a backpack who looks nothing like Risa Ward. The world is now as dark as the twisted society it harbors, and Risa knows that she has never truly been alone as an AWOL Unwind, except for those few minutes in the woods before she met Connor and Lev. Even Didi would make for a good companion now, if only to give Risa a sense of purpose and distract her from her thoughts. Because when Risa is truly alone, she finds herself thinking of the past.

Risa remembers nothing of her parents, though she assumes that there was really only ever her mother in her life, however briefly. If her parents had stayed together, she doubted she would have ended up in Ohio State Home 23. If they had stayed together, her Unwind order might never have been signed; she might be home right now, practicing the piano with her father listening intently to the flawlessly executed sonata.

She shakes her head as if to erase the thought from her mind. It's a waste of time and brain power to think about things that have no chance of happening, and it bothers her that maybe Risa wouldn't have taken up piano if her StaHo didn't insist that everyone have a 'talent.' One love of her life could have been lost if Risa wasn't Risa Ward, and the same could be said for meeting Connor Lassiter. The world has screwed her over but at least they gave her that.

Risa wonders if friendship counts as a survival skill. Being sociable or likable is something you're born with (or in her case, not) but Risa can't recall any real friends before Connor and Lev, when she really needed them. And then again, Lev had despised them for a while because his presence was technically through a kidnapping.

Of course, that part was all Connor.

It bothers her for a minute, how much she misses him. For years, Risa knew how to handle being alone, even embraced it after a while; not even one full year with Connor has gone by and now it's like she's completely forgotten that part of her.

Determinedly, she pulls the hood of her jacket forward to hide most of her face and marches vigorously, though not quickly enough to draw attention to herself. She can be resourceful and careful all on her own; even with Connor and Lev, Risa held the team together. Though they've all saved each other at some point, she likes to think she's the one who has done it the most. As the (former) head medic of the Graveyard, regardless of any legitimate training, Risa has personally saved the most lives _period_.

She might be nothing but a walking combination of illegal parts to the government, but that thought fills Risa with a sense of purpose. Taking down the chop shop at Happy Jack – though mostly the work of Lev and Mai and some other clapper she never met – helped set the Cap-17 law in place; Proactive Citizenry is just another thing to add to the list. A hypothetical harvest camp to blow up.

* * *

Risa hadn't assumed that Sonia would be ecstatic to see her – in fact, Risa had assumed that Sonia wouldn't even recognize her – but the frail old woman act was just a coverup for her AWOL safe house right underneath the store. Sonia hadn't once given off the touchy-feely emotional vibe all the time she had been one of the fugitives in her basement, but now Sonia envelopes Risa into the warmest hug she's ever had.

_This is what it feels like to have a mother_. The thought is fleeting, flashing through her mind like an express train running through a local station. For some reason, Risa feels ashamed for even thinking it at all. Yes, she'd known stork Unwinds and other ward Unwinds, but there had been plenty with biological families who'd signed the accord. Connor, for one. Lev as well, though the circumstances there were a little different.

What is it like to carry a baby for nine months inside of you, watch them grow up, and then decide – just as they are coming into their own and figuring out who they are – that you regret bringing them into the world? How could Connor's mother stop loving her own son? How could Lev's create that life and _know_, years later, that it would be taken apart?

Sonia doesn't notice the strange expression that comes over Risa's face as she breaks the hug, but Risa stands up a little straighter as she decides, resignedly, that she doesn't know a thing about mothers.

* * *

She almost cries when she sees Didi again, having thought she'd given the baby up forever. Though Hannah tells her that they – a Freudian slip; judging by all the pictures but no sign of the man himself, Hannah's husband is likely dead – have renamed her Deirdre, Risa can't call the beautiful, chubby, healthy baby anything but Didi. Hannah is nice enough, but the changing of her name feels like a way for her to cut Risa out of Didi's life.

Hiding with Hannah is normal to the point of being unbearable. Risa stays in the guest room, babysits Didi, helps cook dinner, even does chores. Still, the color of her skin makes her stick out like a sore thumb and she envies Hannah and the baby's sienna-pale coloring. They _look _like mother and daughter; no one will think Didi was a storked baby unless she explicitly tells them so. Didi would never pass for Risa's own – and she isn't, really, but Risa hasn't thought that way since she first held the baby in her arms – unless Connor was walking alongside them.

So Risa chooses to alternate between spending her days helping Hannah with the baby and taking care of the AWOLs in Sonia's basement. It surprises her that they already know the name Risa Ward, that she has become the Bonnie to Connor's Clyde, that the interview in which she renounces Proactive Citizenry has gone viral. People care about Risa Ward now, enough to have an opinion on who she is and what she did. Being a celebrity is new to her, but she uses it to her advantage – these boys are in awe of her very presence, and she wields her power the way Connor did in the Graveyard, and the Admiral before him.

There are no other girls in Sonia's basement, because parts pirates are more likely to target female runaway Unwinds; Risa can only assume they want to have their way with the poor girls before turning them in. It's sickening, but she is grateful that there are no girls here to zero in on the "romance" aspect of Risa's story. The last thing she wants is to talk about Connor.

* * *

Risa is wrong; the last thing she wants is to talk _to _Connor, who has somehow shown up at Sonia's doorstep with Camus Comprix, the most unlikely travel companion Risa could have thought up besides J.T. Nelson. Her mouth feels dry as she tries to figure out the most neutral thing to say. Why here, why now, the worst possible place and time to set either one of these boys off?

There was a girl at her StaHo who knew how to handle these kinds of situations. Boys were always trying to do things for her, in the hopes that she'd return the favor, and fights would break out on occasion. Somehow, Giselle always managed to weasel herself out of trouble no worse for the wear, but Risa had never bothered to pay attention as to how she did it. Back then, she avoided trouble and drama and other people as much as possible, never once thinking that _she'd_ be the girl with two boys trailing after her like lost puppies.

Having never actually met Grace Skinner before, she almost misses the mousy woman completely as Connor and Cam overshadow her, but when Grace steps forward to introduce herself and discuss Risa's new hair, Risa decides having another girl around is the opposite of a problem. Grace may describe herself as "low-cortical" but she can think on her feet and is kind enough to help a stranger in a complicated situation, and that's all Risa really needs in a friend.

* * *

The living room has become a war zone wrought with tension. Yes, these boys are both on the run, but as she watches them trade petty insults from the safety of Hannah's kitchen, Risa is disgusted by just how juvenile they really are. These idiots are supposed to be on the same side, working together to take down a common enemy, but all they care about is who ends up with _her_. As if Risa doesn't have a choice in the matter – and if it comes down to it, she will choose neither of them if it means achieving the main goal: ending Unwinding.

As she tries to find something for them to eat from the limited options in Hannah's fridge, Grace soon joins her in the kitchen, probably to get away from the squabbling boys. Hearing them makes her blood boil, but Risa figures it's easier to just let them think she has no idea what's going on. Connor has always been the jealous type, even before they were truly together, but if he really thinks she would pick Cam over him, he doesn't know her at all.

The more she thinks about it, though, the more obvious it seems that they really _don't _know all that much about each other. The first time Connor learned about Risa's love for the piano was when she was forced to play on the roof of the chop shop, and she doesn't know a thing about his life before he became the Akron AWOL. She was under no illusions of them being the perfect couple, but she certainly thought they were a lot more functional than they were.

"So," says Grace conversationally, whom Risa has momentarily forgotten is there, "is it hard, trying to juggle the both of them?"

Annoyed, Risa snaps, "I'm not _with _either of them." She hates the idea that Grace views her the same way she once viewed Giselle, that she doesn't care to get to know her beyond the boy she is now obliged to pick. "Do you have a preference?" she snarks.

It doesn't faze Grace; perhaps she didn't even pick up on it. "Connor," she replies without missing a beat, "there's something about the other one that I don't like. But you feel the same way, don't you?"

Originally, the thought of Cam being made up entirely from other people's parts made Risa's skin crawl, but now she defends him. "There's nothing wrong with Cam," she insists, brushing hair out of her eyes. "I mean, his way of talking takes some getting used to, but –"

"Not what I meant," Grace shrugs. "There's no competition here, is all. I saw the way you looked at Connor in the store; Cam might think he has a shot but he doesn't really." It's so easy for her to say, so matter-of-fact that Risa has to remind herself how simple it must seem when you're completely detached from the situation.

She says nothing, and Grace takes that as a sign to keep going. "He really loves you, but he's got a funny way of showing it." For a brief second, Risa isn't sure which boy she's talking about until Grace adds, "He thinks distancing himself to protect you is the right thing to do, but I don't think you're gonna be safe anyhow."

"Oh," says Risa, letting the ham slip out of her fingers and onto the kitchen table. She's suddenly not in the mood to make sandwiches for anybody. Grace has brought up an excellent point that she's been trying to ignore for the past few weeks. Proactive Citizenry is not going to let what she did to their brand – and to Cam – slide.

"Listen," Grace lowers her voice and moves closer to Risa. "I think, if you don't handle this right, those two are gonna tear each other apart. And not just over you – they're polar opposites, almost, and neither of them like it." Risa nods once, slowly. "So if you ever wanna strategize or anything, I'll help. I love games."

The words _it's not a game _are on the tip of her tongue, but Risa holds them back. Maybe the situation is all too real for her, but who says Grace can't see it that way?


End file.
